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Location: United Kingdom

I'm a 30-something guy. I've been married for 10 years. And I've got a gorgeous 5 year old girl. But that all went the way of the pear last November when I was told my marriage was over. This blog has helped me deal with my situation and entries are becoming more sporadic as I straighten myself out. That's good news. It means I can now put my creative energies elsewhere. But I'm not finished sweeping up this emotional crap just yet. There's plenty more pain to come and, therefore, plenty more therapeutic poems. Woohoo!


Thursday, April 28

wash and bed

She's found the best way
To rest the troubles
In her head.
To wash them down in gin
And then take them off
To bed.

his problem

"Have you told your man
About all of this?"
"It's not his problem."
"I'm afraid that it is!"

The tears

I only phoned
To say goodnight
To my little friend.
But something wasn't right
And I had to pretend
That her mother's tears
Mattered to me.
It's not that I don't care
I just feel that
It's unfair
For me to be
Hit with them
When it's another man's
Problem.
Eventually, I bade
My sweet angel goodnight
But I'm not rushing back
To that venomous spite.

Tuesday, April 26

c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

She's applying for jobs
And she's trying so hard
And I know that it's tough.
But for me, I can't be
All alone on my own
Quite quickly enough.

A bit of me

I've put up with the pain
Of this ball and chain
But I'm tired of waiting.

To get us apart
I might need to start
Amputating.

Tuesday, April 12

empty home

No lights, no sounds,
No smells from the kitchen,
No laughter, no chatter,
No television.
Just silence and darkness
As welcome for me
And my own dark shadow
For company

hard work

I was disappointed
I couldn't keep working
Past seven
Compared to my home
My work-desk feels
Like heaven

together alone

The wee one's away
For a few days
To see her grandfolks
So it's just she
And me
By ourselves
In the shell
That used to be
Our home
And together
Alone
We're keeping out
Of each other's way
Because without our
Precious girl
We don't have much
To say

Monday, April 11

slipping

When we're in the house together
She finds it hard to cope
She starts drinking
To stop thinking
And slides that slippery slope

Sunday, April 10

senseless

Looking for some paper to scribble on
I nipped to my old bedside drawer
And that is when I came upon
Their condoms for their night's amore
And, as usual, these abominations
Left me with virtually no sensation.

Saturday, April 9

rat

While this cat's away
The rat will play.
I've no doubt he's been
Round to stay.

Wednesday, April 6

mutuality

While we've been away
I've called the little one's mum
Every day
And tonight when I gave her a bell
She said that she missed her girl
And missed me as well.
That feeling isn't mutu-ell.

Saturday, April 2

play mate

Getting the passports out
I found that hers was not about,
So when I asked where it was
She stopped dead and went red.
I realised I wasn't the only one
Going away on this date;
She's flying to the sun
With her playmate.

making memories

Paris awaits for
My princess and me
We're away
Seven days
To make memories

Monday, March 28

making a meal of it

She thought it would be a good idea
To cook a Sunday lunch
And pour me a beer.
But no sooner had we sat down
Than the tears began to flow
And the sobbing started
And my little one wanted to know
Why mummy was broken hearted.
If she'd departed the table
And let us enjoy the meal
It would have been better
For us all, I feel.
I knew that this would happen,
That some day it would dawn,
That the family times she loved
Were now gone.

Wednesday, March 23

toll

I don't know what's happening
But I've found that my hands are shaking
But I'm not nervous
Is this the toll it's taking?

Sunday, March 20

animation

Mummy and Daddy
Sat her down
And told her
Their arguments
Weren't about her
And they both
Love her so
And they want her
To know
That they're always there
If she wants an ear
To listen.
And from now on
They'll try not to row.
OK.
Can I watch my
Cartoons now?

Saturday, March 19

lies

Early in the afternoon
She called to apologise
But that means you have to
Regret it
And I don't think she does
So it's lies

him

Nine in the morning
And bleary from booze
I return to my home
And I can't believe who's
Sitting there in my chair
With his breakfast and tea
And politely saying a
'Good morning' to me
As if this is quite normal
And this is alright
For him to appear
When I'm gone for the night

Friday, March 18

pooper

I'm out for a party
To drink and have fun
And all I can think of
Is my little one

the time has come

Our little one's teacher knows the score
And, having been through a breakup herself before,
Is keeping an eye on her every day
To check that she's coping OK.
But today I'd to pick up my girl who was sick
And her teacher came out of her class for a quick
Little word to say that my wee one was upset
And that maybe it's better if now we just let
Her find out how her future is going to go
Rather than letting her guess and not know.

Thursday, March 17

I poo

We might as well have exchanged a fart
As "I do until death do us part"

I bet

Neither of us let on in any way
That it was our tenth anniversary today
And although she would normally forget
She'd have remembered this year, I bet

Monday, March 14

breaktime

Over 300 poems on and
I'm running out of steam.
It seems that everything
I try to write
Is where I've already been.
This isn't the end
No sir! No way!
I'll be back when I've got
Something new to say.

Saturday, March 12

bag of dreams

The darkness isn't
As dark as it seems
When you're clutching on
To a big bag of dreams

Thursday, March 10

pantomime

I'm working on Saturday
And while I'm away
Her man's coming round
To fill my shoes.
I was asked if that was OK
And after a pause
I decided to say yes
Because I guess
It has to happen at sometime
And I'm ready to move on
With this pantomime.

Wednesday, March 9

subsidy

I got a call today
To say
That her job will
Come to an end
This week.
Which means she'll depend
On me to provide
For her
For a while.
But I won't be happy
If I ever discover
That I'm subsidising
Her time with her lover.

Tuesday, March 8

vibrator

There was a vibration in my pocket
Every minute or so.
She was desperate to talk, it
Was disrupting my flow
In the meeting. And at the end
I had to go out
And call her back to contend
With whatever she was calling about.
She had decided to go out with her man
For a date
And I was messing up her plan
By working late.

Monday, March 7

something wrong

There must be something wrong
If fifteen years on
She clearly doesn't know me.
She questioned my honesty
By accusing me of squirrelling away
For a later day
A secret stash
Of cash.
That's not my style,
So choking back bile,
I called her right back
And put her on track.

words schmurds

Words just frustrate me
Every bloody day
They simply get in the road
Of what I'm trying to say

Sunday, March 6

in trouble

This weekend she was only gone
For one day
Because she had to be back for
Mothering Sunday.
My daughter and I made her
Breakfast in bed
And placed a handmade necklace
Over her head.
My wee one didn't want anything
To burst her bubble
And when I raised my voice
She gave me into trouble.

Saturday, March 5

learning at school

Talking with the little one's teacher
I've found out that she understands
That things aren't right
And she's talking to them
And they're listening
And holding her hands

Friday, March 4

after the rain

The skies have turned from grey to blue
The driving rain has passed
The flowers have bloomed in every hue
I know that this can't last

Thursday, March 3

words suck

Choosing your words
Is incredibly daunting
When you say what you mean
But they hear what they're wanting

neon

I think I'll commission a sign
In red neon
"Don't stir up stuff that
We cannot agree on"

made her cry

I made her cry
A little while later
When I told her
Sometimes
I fucking hate her

maybe

She refused to accept
That I was upset
About her going.
She said I gave up on her years ago.
Maybe I had
Without knowing.

Wednesday, March 2

morning news

I never gave permission for her man to meet my girl
But he did
She told me this morning but I haven't got the strength
To be livid

stop it

I put my daughter to bed
Read her a story
And tucked her in.
When I got downstairs
I was ready to begin
And say
What I had to say.
But she was aggressive
From the start
And soon raised voices
Heated tempers
And angry words
Took over.
Until I heard
A little voice shout
"Stop it."
The tears stung my eyes.
Letting her hear this
Wasn't wise.

downhill

"So what do you want to talk about?"
She snapped with a glare.
And it just went downhill
From there.

taste

I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine
And told her we need to talk tonight
I hope she hasn't overdosed on gin
Because I don't want it to become a fight

Tuesday, March 1

pactless

I'll have to stop holding her
To any of our pacts
And give responsibility to her
For how she acts
Her promises are hollow
And her truth is lacking facts
And it's getting very tiring
Standing firm

wheels

She keeps going back on
Our agreed deals.
How can we play fairly if
The goalposts are on wheels?

Monday, February 28

shitting on my salad

I've been looking forward
To going out tomorrow -
My one taste of freedom
In the week.
And then all meek and mild
She defiled my happiness
By asking if it's alright
For her man to
Come round for the night
While I'm away.
I mumbled an 'OK'
Because the only other
Response I've got
Is 'No! It's bloody not!'

three months

That's three months now,
A quarter of a year,
And I've managed to shift
To a forward gear.
I've wound down the window
And I'm loosing my load -
Which is now simply debris
That litters the road
And I need to make sure
I don't run out of fuel
And end up just one more
Old broken-down fool.

Sunday, February 27

question time

When will mummy be home?
Where has she gone?
Why is she having a sleepover?
Any answer I give would be wrong.

Saturday, February 26

everything

I've lit a candle
And I'm writing by
The light of its flame
My little one
Has woken up
And through she came
I've got iTunes on
And Belgian beer
And I've got everything I need
Right here

all I want

I'm quite happy with things this way.
She disappears every Saturday
And I've got my little girl for company
And quite simply,
I love her
And she loves me.

Friday, February 25

mark as read

I've had shocks
In my inbox
But this one didn't cure genital spots
It was an email
From her mum and dad
Saying that I am in their thoughts

Thursday, February 24

at least she told me

This evening I'm going out
And I'm going to be back late
So her boyfriend's coming over
For a dinner date.

Wednesday, February 23

give it away, give it away now

She was so busy ranting
She couldn't see her luck
That I was giving what she asked for
And fucking myself up

losers

"I just can't win"
She blurted out.
I calmly explained that winning's
Not what this is about.
We're all losers here
And our job is now, sadly,
To do what we can not to
Lose out too badly.

descent

It started off well
I made her some dinner
So we could sit down and talk.
And I could see she was
In a bit of a state
As she toyed with her plate
And when I asked her
What she wanted to talk about
She said "I don't know".
And I don't think it's my duty
To drag it out any more.
So I let her stare at the floor.
Then suddenly it spilled and gushed
As she rushed to blame me
For her current state
And with words of hate
I got the blame for limiting her
And causing her distress
And it's my fault
That she's in this mess
And fork in hand
She tore into me
Accusing me of ripping her off.
It went on
And on
And on -
But I let her get it off her chest.
Tonight's little chat
Was as bad as I guessed.

crazy

She thinks she's going crazy
I know it sounds bad
But I don't think she's crazy
I think that she's mad

sit down

There was a note last night
Waiting for when I got in
Asking me, first of all,
To put out the bin
Then saying that tonight we
Need to sit down and talk.
So I'm preparing myself
For an unpleasant shock.
I'm getting nervous and losing
My appetite for food -
Whatever the news is
It just won't be good.

Tuesday, February 22

pie

I've fallen into a category
I've never been in before -
I've just been called an
Eligible batchelor.
Which suggests to my mind
That demand could be high
But I reckon I'll find
That's just pie in the sky.

again and again

I met a friend for lunch today
To sup a glass of ale
And as I knew would happen
I was forced to tell my tale.
Recounting from the start I had to
Dig deep through the pain
Which is something that I'll have to do
Again and again and again.

Monday, February 21

tucked up

I feel guilty for shouting at my little one today
All because she wasn't doing things my way
And I won't be able to hold her and kiss her little head
Because when I get in she'll be tucked up in bed

face

She's been away
Which has given me
Three day's grace.
I don't want to go home
'Cos I don't know
What I'll face.

growling at my girl

I got everything ready before I went to bed
But the alarm went off and we were still making zeds
I was rushed and harassed and she girned and she pouted
And I'm annoyed with myself 'cos I growled and I shouted

Sunday, February 20

toss

She called to say she couldn't make it home tonight;
The trains are cancelled and the buses aren't running right.
She apologised to me as if it were some great loss
But I've got my girl
And we're happy
So I couldn't really give a toss.

Saturday, February 19

matter of time

I don't know if he meant to
But he revealed a truth about me
That I never realised.
He had me sized up
And showed me where
My relationship had broken down.
His insight hit me
Like a cold trout
As he pointed out
That I'm a dreamer
With my mind on the future,
She's an impulsive whirlwind
Who lives for the moment
And our problems were just
A matter of time.

Friday, February 18

gone

She's gone again.
It's just me and my friend.

Thursday, February 17

regrets?

Do I regret asking her out
Fifteen years ago?
Not a bit. But does she?
I think so.

fifteenth anniversary

It was fifteen years ago today
That I asked her out
In my red-faced, bumbling way
And nearly cried with utter joy
That she would want me
This geek-faced boy.
We were wedded
Five years on,
Five years more
And our girl was born
Another five
And you find me here
Wondering where I'll be
In another year.

Wednesday, February 16

a weak end

My daughter must know
That something's going on.
Nearly every weekend now
Her mother is gone.

the split

You have the table
I'll have the chairs
You have the apples
I'll have the pears
You have the kettle
I'll have the mug
You have the paintings
I'll have the rug
You have the hi-fi
I the CDs
You have the biscuits
I'll have the cheese
You have the duvet
I'll have the bed
You have the rubber
I'll have the lead
You have a G&T
I'll have the beers
You have my daughter
I'll have the tears

a rethink

I've started to work out
Who'll get what when
We go our own ways
And I've discovered
I'm heading for
Difficult days
And I may have to
Rethink my plans
Because I just don't know
If I can
Keep the house on
When she's gone

Tuesday, February 15

paranoia

How much more meddling
Has been done?
I can't accept this occasion
Was the only one.
Has she been
Rifling through my pockets?
Sifting through my drawers?
Reading all my emails?
Listening outside doors?
Peeking in my wallet?
Checking the bins outside?
She won't find much of interest
'Cos I haven't much to hide.

Monday, February 14

big D

Divorce.
It's been mentioned.
She wants to start it soon.
Our breakup must be
Over its honeymoon.

the very next night

I said to my (ex-to-be) wife
That if her man is to be
Part of our daughter's life
She'd have to explain it
To our little girl first.
I'd no idea she might
Start it the very next night.

what I'd give

Tonight she told our little one
That she's moving to a different house.
My daughter thinks it's new and fun
And cannot see the pain.
Oh, what I'd give
To be five again.

the invasion

I couldn't believe it.
I was only home five minutes
When I found her over my bag
Rummaging in it.
She was flustered
And admitted that
She'd been rumbled
Fumbling about in somewhere
She shouldn't.
And I just couldn't believe
That this was the first time
She'd committed this crime.
She must have said sorry
At least twenty times
But I couldn't say
"It's alright"
But then again,
I couldn't face a fight,
So I rubbed in the guilt
To make sure
She felt shite.

my valentine

I got a card this morning
From the most special girl alive
She fills my heart
And consumes my thoughts
Although she's only five

apparent

Apparently I'm being awkward
Apparently I'm holding her back
Apparently I'm making her guilty
Apparently I'm giving her flack
So I sat down and talked about it
And listened to all that she said
And she's misunderstood me
So much of the time
It's apparent it's all in her head

Sunday, February 13

specs on legs

I've picked up my new eyewear
And this slinky new pair
Of specs
Will hopefully help me exude sex
Appeal.
Although, being real,
They'll only make the world
Look better to me,
They can't change
What others see.

Saturday, February 12

what I said to her:

"I'm not being nasty or bitter
I just feel I can't really start
Rebuilding my life
Until you're out the house
And we both are living apart."

Friday, February 11

resigned to it

After weeks of avoiding
Definitive action
I got her to scrawl her name on
Some legal forms
Removing her
From my business.
Now I just have to
Remove myself from
Her company.

large measures

Her gin was too strong
Which is where she went wrong,
Her hammer went at it
But I had no tongs.
Her tears tumbled down
While I cooly stood by
And repeated her words
'I've no more tears left to cry'.
The fire's gone out of our fight
And I'm glad
For the fire's gone out
In the love that I had
And she's no longer mine
And I'm wholly my own
And I just want her gone now
To leave me alone.

Thursday, February 10

unavoidable commuter

I must thank my pen, pad,
Laptop and beers
Cos I've done in two months
What he's not in two years

ooh, I say!

Hooray!
Today she's away,
So I'm feeling gay!
(No, not in that way.)

Wednesday, February 9

Smiles

I don't get out much
Why is why tonight was such
A breath of fresh air.
I met with a friend
That I've virtually known
To talk and to spend
Some real time alone
And I've had such a
Lovely night
I can't stop smiling
As I write.

Tuesday, February 8

cake

I expect she'll lay it on like syrup
Trying to sweeten me up
But there's only so much sugar I can take
While she tries to have and eat her cake

hard work

She told me today that her job
May be coming to an end
So I expect she'll need to depend
On my support for her hobnobs
With the new man in her life.
That leaves a pretty bad taste
That my money is going to waste
On a woman who's no longer my wife.
She'll need to pick up some work fast
Because I don't know how long
My patience can last.

Monday, February 7

blues boy

Muddy Waters and Howling Wolf
Are jamming out on my iPod
And it feels like heaven
Has a God
Who's smiling down on me.
A hazy sunrise
And cloudless skies
Makes the world a beautiful place
And not a trace of misery
Is left in my mind.
I'm sure I'll find more
Happiness this week
That warms me down to my bones
Because I want these blues
To stay in my headphones.

bad vibrations

I got a phone call shortly after
I went out the door
berating me for something
I wasn't responsible for.
But I don't have to take that
Kind of shit any more,
So I just put the phone down.

Sunday, February 6

unnecessary

Most nights my daughter
Stumbles through to my bed
To cuddle in and
Lay down her head.
And I just don't like
To take her back through
Because I'm far too tired
(And I like her cuddles too).
And my wife says
"Why doesn't she come through to me?"
But I think an answer
Is unnecessary.

2 hours

She arrived back
Two hours later than she'd said.
I was only bothered
Because it was time for
Our daughter's bed
And she hadn't had the chance
To spend much time
With her mum this weekend.
Our girl can't depend
On her mum to be there
Who would rather spend time
On her new affair
(To be honest,
I think I'm being
Rather unfair)

Saturday, February 5

me and my girl again

Her mum's away
So it's pizza, popcorn
And the film of Pinnochio.
Spending this time
With my little girl
Means I can't wait
For the next time
Her mum decides to go.

Friday, February 4

trains and boats

I've just avoided a
Fellow train commuter
On the excuse that I had to
Use my computer
Because each time we talk
I get lengthy narration
Of the hurt of his own
Bitter separation.
He's a pain on the train
But he'll get on my goat
If he thinks we'll be pals
'Cause we're in the same boat.

Thursday, February 3

averted

She still walks around in the nip
Like the old days
But like a stranger and a gentleman
I avert my gaze

Wednesday, February 2

sleep tight

"That's me, I'm off.
Good night. Sleep tight."
"But why so soon?
Are you alright?"
"I'm going to watch
A film in bed."
"Can I cuddle in?"
She said.
My reply was clear
And slow:
"Oh no. I really don't
Think so."

Tuesday, February 1

no, no, no

No arguments, no tension,
No unpleasantness to mention,
No more hatred, no bad feeling,
No more shocks to send me reeling,
There's no tangle of emotions,
And no bitter tear-filled oceans,
Not a swear word, not a shout,
Not much left to write about.

Monday, January 31

I'll do, I suppose

She called today
With nothing much to say -
Just a 'how's your day going?'
Kinda thing.
And then I remembered her
Boyfriend's away
So his phone can't be working
Where he's holidaying.

cushion

For the first time in two months
We watched the TV together
Sat beside each other
On the settee.
I didn't feel uncomfortable
Although a cushion at my back
Would have suited me.

zeds

Lying so peacefully tucked up in bed
I kissed my young daughter all over her head
"I love you, I love you, I love you," I said
But this cannot last and that fills me with dread

Sunday, January 30

is it because

She was being far too affectionate
(Is it because her man went on holiday yesterday?)
But fortunately some friends came round
So I had an excuse to drive her away.

entertainers

We had a party
For my little girl's birthday
Where the entertainment
Was my wife and I
Pretending there's no problems
To the other parents.
Needless to say
The entertainers were hopeless
But the kids enjoyed themselves regardless.

Saturday, January 29

I'm spartacus

Like Kirk Douglas and Jean Simmons
In Spartacus,
One day I'll be half of
Another us -
And I hope, above all,
To the heavens above
I'll again feel that tender excitement
Of love.

Friday, January 28

rudolph

I thought I'd grow out of acne
When I was a teen.
But no such luck.
I looked in the mirror
And where the end of my nose
Should have been
Was a spot that could be seen
From the International Space Station.
To curb its inflation
I popped it on a tissue.
Now a nose like Rudolph's
Is my embarrassing issue.

dirty dancer

In the last couple of days
Several things have gone my way
And as much as my past isn't sorted out
My future looks like something to smile about
And on my way home from my first work in weeks
I felt a warm grin spread across my cheeks
And I got the urge to dance, which really pretty crazy
'Cos this boy aint no Patrick Swayze

Thursday, January 27

a place of my own

A financial expert
Came round
To talk about the house
And whether I can stay in it.
It's looking pretty good
But I soon found out
She can't afford her own place soon
So she'll be hanging about.

vision

I got an eye test today
And my eyes haven't changed.
Which is strange
Because I see everything differently.
So I chose some new frames
Nowhere near the same
As the ones I now wear.
But this new pair
Are for the new me
Who sees the world differently.

bad company

I gave her
Her first legal form
To sign
To remove her
From my business.
I could see she was pretty
Torn up
But she's the one who decided to
Split up.

Wednesday, January 26

mouthful

To show her that I was keen
For us to put our problems
On the shelf
I prepared some delicious cuisine
(Even though I say so
Myself)
And we sat
And we talked
And enjoyed the flavour
And this was one mouthful
She was glad that I gave her

agreement

The endless aggression
Is depressing
So I'm trying to lessen
The stress
By making more of an effort
To get along.
We both agree
This is the best way to be
So we'll both be strong
Even if we can't be free.

ignoring

She's been phoning all morning
To tell me she's sorry
I've been ignoring her calls
To make her worry
And when I eventually
Answered her call
I didn't make it easy for her
At all

under my breath

When she drove off
This morning
We'd had a fight.
I wished an early death
Under my breath
And then felt really shite.

bad smells

We used to settle disputes really quickly,
We didn't like a bad smell to linger
Any longer than necessary.
But now everything is so rotten
Another dose of shit doesn't bother me.

speared

I made a big mistake
I told her my weakness
I confessed my fear
This morning she attacked it
With a verbal spear

Tuesday, January 25

clearing up

I said I was sorry
I cleared the air
Because bad atmosphere
For my daughter
Wouldn't be fair

dredging

Voices were raised
And I dredged the depths
Of my vocabulary.
I ranted.
She raved.
And then we swapped roles
To keep things fresh.
By the time she stormed out
And slammed the door
I'd forgotten
What we were arguing for.

hard

It's my princess's birthday
She's five
And the most precious
Person alive
But my eyes are filling
With tears
'Cos this will be the
Hardest of years

Monday, January 24

fleece

She thinks I just want to give her the least
I think she's succumbed to the green-eyed beast
If this cannot be resolved
There'll be lawyers involved
And then it is both of us that are going to be fleeced

green eyes

If only dividing money
Was as easy
As eanie-meanie-miney
Mo
But clearly, no.
She's expecting more
Than her fair share of pence.
So I hope her new man
Will help her see sense.

annoyance

She noticed my attitude
And asked if I was annoyed
With her.
I just said no
Because it didn't feel right
To be revealing
That 'annoyed'
Doesn't describe the feeling
That I'm finding harder to hide
Inside.

short

Instead of.
A welcome kiss.
I'm short.
And abrupt.
Like this.

Sunday, January 23

needing glasses

When she got home
I think
Her first action was to
Pour a drink.
Within an hour
She was swaying
When she was walking,
Slurring
What she was saying
When she was talking
And I think that it's shocking
She believes the bottle
Is a good way to cope.
She doesn't need glasses to see
That she's on a slippery slope.

end of story

She started to tell stories
About her getaway weekend
But I didn't show any interest
So they reached an abrupt end

the returning

She arrived at our house
All cheerful and happy
But I find it hard
To be a chirpy chappie
When every minute I'm with her
I feel
That the whole situation
Is less than ideal

Saturday, January 22

surprised

A good friend arranged
To come around
For a quiet
Night in.
We'd watch some beers
Drink a film
And eat Pringles
Till we pop.
But he couldn't stop himself.
He rung around
And assembled my musical family
To sing our old songs
Until after three.
And, like a true musical friend,
He's trying to get me
Performing again.

sleepy smiles

I'm feeling really up today
I'll get myself ready
And go down to play
With my cute little friend
And we'll go see a film
And we'll laugh
And have fun
And we'll sleep with a smile
When our long day is done

buff

I've realised I have to
Get out of this state
Take care of myself
And work-off some weight
To stop eating pies
To get me new glasses
To do exercise
Because my lard-ass is
Way, way out of shape
Like the rest of my bod
And, although I'll never look like
A chiseled Greek god
I would like to look better
Cos I've had enough
Of being embarrassed
When I'm in the buff

irking

One of the weird things
That irks me today
Is
Another man's enjoying
Her fancy lingerie.
Each set I had bought
As a sexy surprise
But now they're admired
By another pair of eyes.

Friday, January 21

animated

Tonight my little one's
Been sick in her bedroom
So I've cleaned her all up
And we're watching cartoons

stay or go?

She noticed that I was feeling down
And asked if I wanted her to stay
She doesn't seem to realise I'll be
Happier when she's gone away

a day early

She arrived home and told me outright
That she was leaving tonight
Which is alright with me.
It means I won't have to see
Her for two whole days
Which gives me lots of space
To spend my weekend
With my best little friend

Thursday, January 20

peeking

Lying in the bath I saw her
Peeking through the crack in the door
And although she's seen it all before
I don't like her doing that any more

tunnel

I'm focusing my energy
On pastures new
And planning things that
I'm going to do
And having hopeful
Dreams in sight
Is filling my tunnel with
A beautiful light

Wednesday, January 19

new option

One of my main concerns
Has been
What to do about our house.
The strain of
Seling this place
And finding two new
Suitable homes
Has been keeping me
From sleep.
But now I have a
New option.
What if I keep
This place
And rent out a room
To a friend?
Then I divide my stress
By three
Which can only be good
For me.

Tuesday, January 18

thirsty

I was frantically doing nothing
I was actively seeking things to avoid
I was so demotivated
That I could barely
Summon the energy
To change channel
And the Herculean effort
Required to make a mug of tea
Was something that was
Way beyond me

of course

She kissed my head
Before she went to bed
And said
"I love you."
I couldn't answer
The same way
Although,
Of course I do.

stirrings

I think her man must have
Had a word
Which has stirred her
Into being more polite
And doing the right thing.
When I told her I wasn't impressed
At her spending holiday time
On her lover
Rather than her daughter
She redressed the balance
And cancelled her long weekend.
Without me asking.
Without a fight.
She told me she was wrong
And I was right.
I'm used to her trying to defend
And being a nightmare.
This behaviour is a
Breath of fresh air.

Monday, January 17

200

Two hundred poems
In under two months -
I must be ready to stop.
Don't kid yourself, baby,
This sucker right here
Is just warming up.

the Oprah school of psychology

Go sister! You deserve it!
Look after number one!
Ditch that no-good dirty dog!
Go out and have fun!
You need some
'Me time'!
Not having everything
Is a crime!
Just when did our
Sanity-bubble burst?
I was always taught that
You put others first.

strange priorities

This coming weekend
She's going for a break
With the new man
In her life.
She now tells me
She's got no holidays left
To look after our daughter
When school's over.
But clearly enough
To spend with her lover.

Sunday, January 16

this weekend

I've had a lovely time
With my daughter
This weekend
I just don't want it
To end
But tomorrow
I have to send her
To school again
I'm going to miss
My little friend

no coasting

She's always been so houseproud.
In our social crowd
It was a standing joke
That you had to put
A coaster under everything -
Even yourself.
She lived by her motto:
'Tidy as you go'
And if I ever forgot
I would know about it.
These days she doesn't care
And clothes lie everywhere
And all things that were
Spick-and-span
Have gone to pot
Since this began.
So, as well as picking up
The pieces of my life,
I'm having to pick up
Round the house
The stuff neglected
By my spouse.

TV

She's gone
I'm feeling free
She's not in front
Of the TV
I can sit here
Now she's gone
Although there's nothing
Decent on

expected

Her new man's
Back from holiday today
So,
You guessed it,
She's going away.

Saturday, January 15

limbo dancing

I told her last night
That decisions need to be made.
And fast.
I need the past
To be laid
To rest
So my future can start
And my heart
Can begin to heal.
I want us to be
Apart
And I feel
That her refusal
To decide
On how we should go
Is leaving me in limbo.
She answered me firmly
Without any fight:
I don't want to talk
About this
Tonight.

the big sleep

I've not been sleeping well recently
Because my thoughts simply get in the way
So I had to thank her this afternoon
For letting me sleep 'till midday.

Friday, January 14

work - yippee!

I need to work over the weekend
And I'm filled with elation
Because it gives me an excuse
To escape my situation.
I can sit in my office
And shut out my life
Without spending my time
Playing games with my wife.
But I'll set aside time
To go out and to play
With my best little girl
For some time every day.

oh fuck it's Friday

I would normally look forward to
The weekend
But now I'm dreading two days
Where we pretend
To our daughter that
Nothing's wrong.
So it's time to take breath
And to try and stay strong.

still reeling

It doesn't feel right
When there isn't a fight
But it can't be wrong
If we're getting along
I guess I'm still reeling
And I'm stuck with this feeling

Thursday, January 13

fangled

I'm trying to get used to
Being on my own
Without feeling alone.
I'm enjoying it.
It feels new-fangled
Looking at life
New angled
Sitting here getting
My life untangled
(And spotting the pretty girls)

everything

Just me, my pad, my pen
And my beer
I've got everything I need right now
Right here

escapism

I'm escaping the house
And heading out.
I don't know if I'll be
Back tonight.
I'll have a drink,
Maybe catch a band,
Give someone a call
And arrange to see them
Or sit by myself in
A dusty museum.
I just need to be with me.
I just need to feel free.
And hopefully,
I won't feel lonely.

Wednesday, January 12

nightmare

My little girl likes her daddy
To put her to bed -
To tuck her in,
To kiss her head
And read until she's snoring zeds.
Last night, her mum
Gave it a try
And instead of gentle sleepy-bye
I heard her shout
And heard her cry.
They need to get over
This dark nightmare.
'Cos soon
At night
I won't be there.

cursed

Disappointment is fine.
It's a doddle to cope
Compared to that
Curse of all curses
Called 'hope'.

cripes!

Bloody shitting bastard fuck
Shitting bloody fucking drat
Tossing bleeding fecking wank
Bastard fucking shitting twat

another breakage

I broke down tonight
When she told me she'd been thinking
Of giving us another go.
I told her I didn't know
If I could cope with that.
I wanted it more than anything
But I would always be wondering
If she'd put me through
This pain
Again.
Letting her go has been
The toughest thing in my life
But I don't want her back
In my heart
As my wife
If forever I'll always be
Riddled with doubt
And I think she's with me
As an easy way out.

thinking

I thought we'd agreed
What we'd do with this house
I thought we'd agreed
That we'd stay in this town
I thought we'd agreed
How we'd care for our girl
But I thought we were for ever
And you still let me down

unbelievable

It seems that every agreement we make
Turns out to be nothing but fake.
How can I ever move on
If everything I believe
Turns out to be wrong?

Tuesday, January 11

dreadful dad

I feel like a dreadful dad.
I'm finding it too easy to get mad.
I'm not usually this short fused
I just don't want to get used
To being this messed.
I don't want to be a good dad,
I want to be the best.

divisions

At some point we'll need to
Divide our stuff
And although it'll be tough
I hope it won't get shitty.
I just want to keep all of my
Dignity.

moving

I've started getting the house
Ready to sell.
I've spent hours sanding,
Varnishing and cleaning
Until the bathrooms are gleaming,
The kitchen's spotless
And the windows are sparkling
As well.
I won't be wanting to leave this home
But I have to leave her
And start out on my own.

Monday, January 10

settlement

I'm feeling settled.
And that's not good.
It means this hell is
Becoming routine
And I've less and less reason
To vent my spleen
And I'm not motivated
To break from this scene
Like everyone knows
That I should.

Sunday, January 9

the lie of the land

Today I wanted to look
At new houses, so we
Have an idea what
We can afford comfortably.
She's setting her budget
So low that I doubt
She'll get more than a shoebox
Unless I help her out.

gulp

Today we went out as a family
And it all just felt so hollow.
When we stopped for lunch
My mouth was so dry I could
Barely swallow.

Saturday, January 8

a lot on my plate

We both went out for a meal
To celebrate the birthday of a friend.
Another guest commented that
We weren't sitting together
And asked if everything was alright.
I just smiled and nodded
And took another bite.

politics

Her father phoned
Wanting to know
Who'd made the decision
To split.
Was it her, or me
Or mutual?
Keeping my promise
I scuppered his mission
And said "no comment"
Like a sleazy politician.

Friday, January 7

company

Tonight I've had lovely company;
Just a pen and a pad,
My piano and me.
(And a generous dram of some fine whisky.)

stuck

Her new man's away
For two weeks skiing.
So, unfortunately, she's stuck here
For the time being.

desperation

Her father's getting desperate
Trying to get us back together
Again. But he has a strange way
Of encouraging us to weather
The storm. He must think
It helps if he calls her a whore,
A bitch, an adulterer
An idiot and so much more.
When she got home today
She had to open a letter
Threatening to cut her out
Of his will, so she'd better
Change her ways and mend
The damage she'd done.
It's like trying to make someone
Love you by weilding a gun.

normality

Up until recently
I hadn't had much pain
In my life.
At least now
I can be just like
Everyone else.

underbelly

Pain attracts pain
I find again and again
When people know
I'm broken up
They open up themselves
To share their own
Hidden bruises, cuts and wounds.
And my glimpse of
The dark underbelly of love
Is scaring me away from
Sharing my heart again.

bleurgh

Today, I'm working from home
And the woman I've got a bone
To pick with
Is off sick.
And being with her isn't easy;
She'll feel ill and I'll feel queasy.

Thursday, January 6

stumped

"Where's mummy?"
Will be asked again today
And I just don't know
What's the right thing to say

booted

Again, she's staying the night
With her new man
And I cannot accept
That she'd remain mute
If this boot was placed on
The other foot.

blackened

The blues skies above
are just another shade of black
The world's been coloured
by the diesel dirt
that darkens bricks beside
the railway track.
The sunshine is casting shadows
along my way
And the fairground colours
of the kid's play park
are only different
shades of grey.
But I'll fix a cheery smile
on my dreary face
To start
my first day of
work inside a
cheerful place.

opener

You're only going to bring pain
To yourself
Today.
Put the book back
On the shelf
And walk away.

book of blame

We agreed that we'd have a book of blame
Where each of us has the same
Number of pages for our point
Of view. And as we are joint
Authors of this tragedy, it's only fair
That our names on the cover are there
At the same size, equally bold
Because this sad tale is being told
By two separate people - me and you -
Each with a completely different view.
And because we couldn't agree on the wrongs
We'd leave it on the shelf where it belongs.

oh bother

Fuck
Fucking fuck
Fuckity fucking fuck fuck
Fucking fuck fuck fuck
Fuckity fuckity fuck
FUCK

the toll

Now I'm paying a
Heavy toll
By raising my voice
I lost control

put it down

I don't want to carry
This weight.
I hate her
For making me hate.

kaboom

We were getting on alright
But last night I blew it.
She pushed me too far
(And she know it)
By picking at the one thing
She knew would cause a fight
She ignited the fuse
And let off the nail bomb
I'd held inside.
My words ripped through her,
Tearing her apart
Without mercy -
Wounding as deeply as they could.
And although I know I should
Have stopped,
It was too late -
She'd opened a Pandora's Box
Of hate.
And this morning,
In the aftermath of the disaster
I'm sure she's tending her wounds.

bravado

Her mother called again last night
And I covered for her.
I said she wasn't in
When she was.
But she couldn't hide any more
So she called back
And told her mother
Everything she'd harboured
For years.
Of course, there were tears
But not on our end of the phone.
Then, infused with fresh bravado,
She started in on me.
And the evening ended
disastrously.

Wednesday, January 5

adapted

It's amazing how you adapt
Over time.
My bedroom-of-exile feels like it's
Mine all mine.

little dig

She kept hugging me tonight
More than she did before
We split
So I knew there must be more
To it.
It didn't take much digging
To find out what was dogging her.
The new man and her had
Fallen out
About something small.
I hope she sorts it out
Because I won't be the net
To catch her from her fall.

pitiful

Her mother called again
With simpering pity in
Everything she'd say.
But it's clear to all
Her sympathy is
Flowing the wrong way.

Tuesday, January 4

response to a friend
who wrote me a short
poetic greeting

Cheers old buddy, my verse
Promises to be slightly less terse
Than yours. I'm glad you're happy
Because it's my turn for the crappy
Stuff to fuck with my life.
I am saying goodbye to my wife
And we will soon be moving apart
To make a fresh start
Each. And although it ends
We are still friends.
Strange times ahead for me
Although I expect to be
A happier person at the end.
Sorry for the shitty news, my friend.
Please send me your happy tales
From the other end of the scales.

adding it all up

This little poem
Is most certainly the worst
But in just over a month
It's the hundred and fifty first

the best way to learn

I'm not in a hurry
To find a new mate
But I've been having a think
About how to date.
I've never really done it
'Cos I married so young -
My teenage sweetheart
Was my only one.
So once I've got over these
Emotional aches
I plan to have lots of fun
Making mistakes.

no subject

We got on well today
There was peace in our home
Which means there's no tension
To put into poem

demotivated

I normally have no problem
Doing work.
But these past weeks
It's been beyond my power
To concentrate for a
Few hours
On a relatively
Simple job.
Whenever I try
I find
There's more important things
On my mind.
So I end up making coffee,
Sitting down
And doing nothing instead.
I really need to
Sort out my head.

Monday, January 3

rotten

Our love is now
Just woodrot and rust
And the first bit to crumble
Was my trust

and nothing but the truth

She's been telling friends
The whole truth
Which makes her look bad.
She's been telling me only
Half truths
Which just makes me mad.
She said far too much
When she told her
Own dad.
She says she's
Considered me.
I wish that she had.

little witness

Again, she tried to deceive me.
It seems she'll never learn.
So I shouted,
I swore,
I tore into her
With sharpened words.
And now I regret it.
But only because my daughter
Heard it.

unexpected

We thought her father
Would handle it best
And strangely
He's the one
Who's the most
Messed

I'm not your son

Her mum called,
Sniffing back tears,
Wanting to know if
It was true.
And, like I knew she would,
She blamed her daughter
And took my side.
So I told her
She was misguided
And said to stop judging
Her own child.
At this time my wife needs
An understanding ear.
I don't think that's what
She wanted to hear.

Sunday, January 2

meeting

Well,
I met him today.
He dropped my wife back here
And we went out for a beer
To say
What we needed to say.
It turns out that he's a nice guy
And we didn't even have to try
To get on.
We just did.
He's probably the best ally
That I've got.
At least he'll be sensible
When my wife's not.

new start

The last two days
Have felt like the start
Of my new life.
You're with him,
I'm with our girl
And I no longer have a wife.
I think this is a
Positive feeling
For the ground has settled
And I've stopped reeling.

excuse me

I'm going to meet
The other guy today
For a drink.
I must prepare
What I'm going to say.
Excuse me
While I think.

Saturday, January 1

caring and sharing

I don't want either of us
To get custody of friends;
I want us still to mix
With the same crowd.
So I've vowed
To tell them
Not to judge you
Or take sides.
Besides,
A relationship takes two,
So you can't take
All the blame.
On top of that,
Our little one needs some things
To stay the same.
And, if we are living
Separately,
Our friends can give her
Constancy.

toast

I raise a glass
To my new life
Now begun.
I try to dream
Of the great things
Still to come.

virgin year

To those who have
Joined this journey,
I pour a draught
Of beer
And wish you
Every good thing
In this new
Virgin year.

Friday, December 31

in the bag

I've got so much more
Than I thought,
It seems.
I've my heart
And my girl
And a bag of
New dreams.

up

This year has ended
On an all-time low.
Next year,
Up
Is the only way to go.
I need to stay focussed
And keep on track
For the only way's forward -
There's no going back.

me and my girl

She's away for two days
To see in the new year
With her new man.
While I'm going to greet 2005
With the most special girl alive.

butt

Her father,
Out of all good intentions,
Is making things
A nightmare.
What he's doing
Just isn't fair
And if he insists
On having his spout
I'll just have to tell him
To butt out.

Thursday, December 30

pressure

Her father called tonight.
After 24 hours of thought
There's a lot
He wanted to say
Which couldn't wait
Another day.
He ranted to her down the phone
And just when she thought
She'd had her slice of hell
He sent an email as well.
He wants us to get back together;
To weather the storm.
But I don't know whether
I can love her again
In any way deeper than
As a friend.

over with

I broke the news
Without breaking down.
It was easier than I
Thought it would be -
My father handled it
Admirably.
The one event I've dreaded
For so long
Went smoothly
And I'm proud I stayed strong.

Wednesday, December 29

pants on fire

People keep politely asking
How was my Christmas time.
I keep politely lying
And tell them it was fine.

credit

To her credit
She told her father
The whole grizzly truth.
She didn't dress it up
To cover her blushes.
I knew the facts would get out
Eventually.
I just didn't think it would be
This soon
Or from her mouth.

minus five

In the new year
She's spending two nights a week
With her man.
I reckon it would be
Easier on me
If it was seven.

shaking

I'm frozen.
But I don't think that is why
I am shaking.
I believe my quaking
Is from fear
Of upsetting my father.
I feel that I've failed him
By allowing this to happen
(As if I had a choice).
It will take all my strength
For my voice not to break
And for the tears to come
Tumbling out.
But I have to do what is right.
I need to tell him tonight.

Tuesday, December 28

Outed

Tonight she told her father,
So it's officially out -
It's public knowledge now.
Tomorrow night
I've got the dreaded task
Of telling my own dad
Which will be harder than
Competing in an Olympiad.

life and death

It was one month today
She took my dreams away.
She led them quietly round the
Back of the barn
And put them out of
Her misery.
I've had one month to mourn.
In the new year a new life will be born.

In the hood

So my brother now knows
And even although
We've not been close
His brotherhood
Means more than I ever
Thought it could.

Monday, December 27

revised total

I miscounted.
There were more.
In fact,
There were four
People you told our tale of woe to
But now I know too well
That to give you hell
Will just backfire.
So I lift my head higher
And in two more days
You can shout it from a spire.

more or less

More shouts
More tears
More verbal spears
More stress
More pain
More 'not again'
More promises
More hugs
Less trust

leakage

It was quite simple.
We just agreed to keep it quiet
Till after Christmas.
I overlooked it when she told one.
I was annoyed when she told two.
I was mad when she told three.
Before it goes on
She needs to be stopped.
How can she be so inept?
If we want to get on
The rules must be kept.

beans

Someone saw through our bad acting
Or so it seems.
So she felt she had to
Spill the beans.
It seems that we've both been
Missing our cues
And now she's gone and
Lit the fuse.

Sunday, December 26

feeling fortunate

Thousands washed away
By an act of God
Reduces the impact
Of the act of her.
The tremors I'm feeling
Don't go far beyond
The shores of my
Little island.

propped

She keeps hugging me
In front of the family
And I wish she'd stop.
I don't want to spend
My Christmas as a
Stage prop.

Saturday, December 25

thanks Santa

Thank you Santa,
You gave me the world;
You gave smiles and laughter
To my little girl.
The look of sheer joy
On her beautiful face
Dragged me out of my hole
To a happier place.

Santa

It's Christmas day
But I fear
That Santa hasn't got
What I wanted this year

Friday, December 24

performance

Driving back home,
Flocks of
Butterflies within.
The final performance
Is about to begin.
Thinking of
What lies ahead
For four days and nights
Is giving me
Stagefright.

Thursday, December 23

pretending

She keeps calling me
Darling
And hugging me.
And I have to keep
Reminding myself
She's now saying it
As a friend.
Although sometimes it's nice
To pretend
That nothing's changed.

lucky man

I'm so fortunate
To have such fantastic friends.
They're holding me together
Now that I need them
More than ever.

yawn

Two hours sleep last night
And no sleep tonight
Staying awake for Christmas
Is going to be a fight

warmth

From thousands of miles away
A stranger reached out
And placed tears in my eyes
And a gentle hand
Upon my shoulder.
And knowing that someone's
Thinking about me
Makes the world
A little less colder.

rorschach

Standing in the shower last night
Looking at the patterns on the tiles
I only see faces with smiles
So I'm sure everything will be alright

escape for 24 hours

4 in the morning
In an airport
2 days before Christmas.
Tired travellers stretched on seats
With rucksack pillows,
Plumbed-in Christmas choirs
On endless repeat,
Excited kids away to see
Santa in the sun.
And me away to have festive fun
With my friends.
I may only be gone for a day.
But I hope to find
A bit of myself
While I'm away.

Wednesday, December 22

escape

Tomorrow
Our families are coming to stay.
Tonight
I'm escaping the house for a day.

fin

I now just want this
All to be over
And for us
To live apart.
Then we can put an end
To this hell
And make a
Fresh start.

flippin heck

Your mobile phone bill's
Up by 200 quid,
And just before Christmas,
I nearly flipped my lid.

sympathy

You told me that you spent
Most of yesterday crying,
Thinking about all the people
You've hurt.
When I said
That I was the only one
You'd hurt at this stage,
You looked wounded
And said
"What about me?"
I then realised
Who was the real focus
Of your sympathy.

Tuesday, December 21

not called for

You never called last night.
You haven't called today.
I feel too awkward to call you.
I think you feel the same way.

darkness

A darkness fell as the darkness fell
As I tried not to think where you were last night.
Wide awake at four
I walked though to your bed
To smell your scent
from your pillow
Where you lay your pretty head.

cover up

I'm trying to keep my mind off it
By watching an epic movie
While you're making moves of your own
Under another man's duvet.

Monday, December 20

witnesses

This morning my little girl
Dug out our wedding album.
I couldn't bear to look at the photos
To see all the poeple we've let down.

unwrapping

We've been wrapping up presents
For Christmas day
And while our family stay
I hope that our other surprise
Will remain under wraps

celebrations

I've told her to go away
For hogmanay.
I don't want to welcome
The year ahead
With someone I'm trying to
Get out of my head.

being practical

I've now started thinking about
The nitty
Gritty
Shitty
Practicalities of it all.
I need to be clued up
For our break up
So I don't get screwed up
In the end.
We may plan to end it
With fairness and grace
But I know it could still
All blow up in my face.

just what I wanted to hear

Tonight my daughter hugged me
And told me she loved me
And said she would always be with me
(Except when she was at school).
If only it was that simple.
I stayed 'till she was asleep in bed
Thinking about the wonderful things she said.

Sunday, December 19

business

She won't be home tomorrow night.
She's spending it with her lover.
I've asked her to be honest,
So this time
She doesn't disguise it
As a business trip.
Although, I'm sure
All sorts of business
Will be got up to.
I'm glad she's telling the truth.
Even although it's killing me.

nakedness

Lying in a hot bath,
Comforted by the
Warm womb of water,
I was relaxed and un-stressed.
Then she walked in
And talked to me
And I couldn't handle her
Seeing me undressed.

chewing on paper

Last night I made us dinner
And we sat down together
To eat it.
Her company was alright
But the meal tasted like cardboard
With every bite.

handful of air

Again you offer me honesty.
Again I accept.
Even although I don't think
Any of your promises
Will be kept.

Saturday, December 18

colder

This morning I confronted you
About more lies you've spun
Since your apparent honesty begun.
And from the comfort of your bed
"I just don't care" was said.
I can't understand why
You're being so heartless.
It's tearing apart this
Man who gave you his life.

get some sleep

She's out drinking
With a friend.
I can't believe
I'm lying awake
Worrying about her.
That's another man's job now.

fucker

I talked to the man
Who is fucking my wife.
I talked to the man
Who has fucked up my life.
I talked, though the pain
Cut me through like a knife
And although I don't know him
I trust him more than her.

man to man

Your talk isn't worth a damn
So I decided to talk to your man.
I hope he can keep
To the promises made
A hulluva lot better
Than you can.

don't push me

My friends think I'm being
Too soft on you
But I'm trying to keep the peace
For our child's sake.
But don't push me any further -
There's only so much more I can take.

promises promises

The other night
You promised me
Honesty.
Even after your initial lies
I decided to give you
Another chance.
After all,
You're blinded by romance.
And I asked that he didn't
Deal with my daughter
Just yet.
Not until you were both sure whether
You'd stick together.
But your promises are worth
Less than dust.
I don't know if you can ever
Gain my trust.

not exactly a poem

Total
Fucking
Bitch

the big deception

I'm astounded.
When I discovered
Your deception today
My heart pounded
Till I thought it would explode.
I was driving at the time
And found it hard to keep the road
When my daughter told me
She'd spent the day
With you and him.

Friday, December 17

all I ask

I'm not asking you
To be easy on me
I'm just asking you
For more honesty

passion

I'm a very passionate person,
It's true.
You just wished I'd more passion
For you.

his story

Before we went out
She had other boyfriends
But her mother didn't approve.
And she didn't feel free to love
Without her mother's consent.
So she stuck with me
Because her mum was happy.
To please our parents
We never lived together
Until we were married
And never knew whether
We really got on.
Our first year was hell
We hated each other,
Then after a while
We tolerated each other.
But there was always
A lack of respect on both parts.
We knew how to phrase things
Exactly wrong
We often found it hard to
Get along
But we always made up -
So I thought we were strong.
Then along came my little friend
And we didn't have to pretend
To like each other.
We were too busy adoring another.
I admit we wouldn't have lasted
If we'd lived in sin,
I just wasn't expecting her to
Throw the towel in.

hurdles

The road ahead is littered with hurdles
And I plan to get over them all without falling.
I may be the only one running
But I know I've already lost.

countdown

Christmas is approaching
And my fear of broaching
The subject with my family
Is growing.
Every morning,
Like an advent calendar,
I open another door of dread
And feel more fear.
I hope once it's over
I can clear my head
In the new year.

Thursday, December 16

diluted dad

A stranger playing dad
To my darling
Is not the way it should be.
I'd rather the father
Was totally me.

equality

You say that we'll share
Our daughter
Fifty-fifty.
It can never work.
Our little girl needs
More stability.
The only half and half thing
Will be my heart
Torn apart.

fast mover

When you move out with me
You're going to move in with him.
Is that not a bit fast?
You're still in the first flush of romance
And you plan to rush into taking the chance
That he's the one.
You're not the only one to consider -
He'll have to play a father figure
As well as a lover.
And I don't want my daughter
Becoming attached to a
Temporary measure;
Then inheriting a fear of commitment,
A mistrust of men
And a broken heart.
I don't want to get in your road.
I'd just be happier if you slowed.

we/me

I'm looking forward
To finding me.
Up until now
I've been one half
Of we.

differing opinions

You want me to go out
And find someone
Who makes me happy.
But you don't understand
That I don't want that.
Before I even think about
Finding someone else
I need to take the time
To discover myself.

flipped

Most of my friends
Are gentle
Men.
Not the sorts
To play the field,
Sow their wild oats
Or act like animals.
It just seems like a
Sick joke
That my wife is the one
Who is more like a bloke.

Wednesday, December 15

understanding

Today I told a friend
Who's been through this
Self same thing.
He never told me
For six months.
His way of dealing with it
I suppose.
Two weeks in
I gave him the news
And because he knows
He smothered me with care.
He just wants me to know
That he's there.

decisions

Some day I'm going to have to meet him:
The catalyst of all these woes.
So shall I shake him by the hand
Or punch him on the bloody nose?

comparing

I'm trying to look for the justice in this.
I'm not saying our marriage didn't have any flaws -
But lots of our friends are unhappily wed
And have marriages far more unhealthy than ours was.

thank you very much

I'm singing Blue Christmas by Elvis
For no particular reason.
I think that will be my theme tune
For this festive season.

Tuesday, December 14

misunderstanding

She never understood my words,
I talked in riddles to her brain.
My lyrics, prose and poetry
Washed over her like winter rain.
And in the space from here to ear
My words, like birds, would flap and flit
And draw their claws and set their beaks
And turn my treasure into shit.

close

You held me close
Last night
Between those breasts
I used to touch.
And not for many years
Have I wanted them so much.

breather

Right now,
I feel at peace.
At least,
I feel a breathing space.
But what I dread
Is drawing near
For soon our loved ones
Need to hear.

acceptance

It's not too late,
I think you've seen the light.
We can't afford to hate
And neither of us need be right.
To be honest,
We don't even need to agree
As long as I accept you
And you accept me
And we try to create a better world
For our own beloved little girl.

mute

You accused me
Of never wanting to talk.
You were right.
It's hard to converse with someone
Who's glued to the TV
Every night.

Monday, December 13

just pointing it out

Several times in our past
You pointed out
That things needed to change.
Each time
I made an effort.
But what is strange
Is that you never did.
So you carried on
As things had always been
And I slowly lapsed into
My old routine.
And your unhappiness grew.
You couldn't understand
There was more to do
Than point to a problem
When half the solution
Is you.

shrinking

I think you drink too much
So you've been drinking every night.
You know I don't like smoking
So you nip out for a light.
I can't stand watching soaps
So you religiously watch four.
You've been doing your best
To make sure
I can't like you
Any more.

acrobatics

How can you make an argument somersault?
You've betrayed me
And it's my fault!?
You broke our vows and our family
But the culprit
Bizarrely
Appears to be me.

Sunday, December 12

shut the door

I shouted tonight.
I bawled, I swore
Until my bloody
Throat was sore.
I said I wasn't ready
To talk it out
But you opened the door
And let my fury out.
If you'd waited until
I'd thought things through
I'd have been a great deal
Easier on you.

I've got your number

I was out last night and he was here.
Those caring calls to check I was OK
Were really to check that you were OK
To spend more time
Together.

woolly

I don't know
What to believe
Or think.
So much lies
And deception
Is woven through
The last few weeks
That I now have to
Sit
And unpick it all.
Only after that's done
Can I begin to turn
This tangled mess
Into the tapestry
Of our future.

clarity

I'm not paranoid.
Just annoyed.
You finally admitted
That you've found another
And again
I've been destroyed.

Saturday, December 11

fellow passengers

Travelling to a wedding with two single friends
Who are completely unaware
That I'm now a passenger in the same boat
As they are.

6am

Still half asleep, my little dear
Comes in for a cuddle.
"Daddy, why are you sleeping through here?"
Dreamily befuddled
I mutter that I snore so badly
And mummy needs a break.
Both facts are true, sadly,
But I've only connected them for her sake.

good night

I'm tired.
I'm off to bed,
She said as she
Paced across the floor.
Then an hour of mumbled phone calls
From behind her bedroom door.
Why can't she honestly
Tell me to my eyes?
The truth might hurt
But it hurts less than lies.

Friday, December 10

broken holmes

This morning
I was woken by the words
"Daddy,
Are you moving to
Another house?"
My very own Sherlock has deduced
That she's soon going to have
Two holmes.

seeing the good points

I've been off my food recently.
It just doesn't seem to
Satisfy me any more.
So at least something good
Can come of this:
There'll be less of me
For her to dislike.

the darkening

Sitting in Starbucks
Watching it get dark outside
Feeling it get dark inside
Drinking a sweet latte
To ease the bitterness
Watching other couples
Comfortable with each other
Like we used to be

Thursday, December 9

the cat in the bag

I don't know how,
But some people are
Getting suspicious.
The news may get out
Against my wishes.
We only need to hold out
for another month or so
And then
The whole world can know.

crap

So far, we've been civil.
We've respected each other's feelings.
Last night, you treated me like crap
And it felt like we were together again.

Wednesday, December 8

agree to disagree

You've been trying to get me
To agree that you're right
And I can't.
But I don't want to
Kick off a fight.
So let's just accept it,
Keep moving along
And we'll try to pretend
Your decision aint wrong.

last night

Next week
A friend gets married
Last night
He asked my advice
Last month
I could have answered
Last night
I could have cried

Tuesday, December 7

limbo

I'm in limbo.
Stuck between one life
And the next.
After this purgatorial hell
I pray that I can have
A taste of heaven.

adjustments

I'm starting to accept the situation.
If she came back to me
And said she wanted to
Make another go of it
I'd have serious reservations.

festive games

This year, we're dreading Christmas.
Both our families are down
And we're not letting on
Until after they've gone.
We'd normally play charades
On boxing day.
This year it will be lasting
For a whole week.

nightmare

My poor daughter
Is affected by this already.
She keeps waking up
In the middle of the night
To find me hugging her
And smothering her in kisses.

closer

We're talking.
We're talking freely now.
We're being honest.
We're being understanding.
But the decision hasn't changed.
We're ending this relationship
On a high note
When we're closer now
Than we've been in months.

Monday, December 6

house

I am in the house
By myself today.
It used to be a home.
But now it's just a building
And I'm sitting here alone.

praise be

We were both brought up
In strict God-fearing homes
Where marriage is sacred.
Not to be tarnished.
Not to be slighted.
Not to be broken.
Or else you suffer
The divine wrath
Of the church's gossips
And blabbermouths.
Thank God I've lost my faith.
That would be hell.

pestilence

The stress of this
Is affecting you more.
Your skin's in a mess
And you've developed a cold sore.
If I was bitter, I'd say
That you deserved the curse.
But I'm not.
When you feel bad,
I feel worse.

Sunday, December 5

crushed

We'd promised not to tell a soul
Until the new year.
So when our friend
Told me she was sorry
To hear our news
I thought I was going to crumple
Under the weight of her hug.

let's talk

After avoiding me for a week
You want me to talk.
So I tell you
I still think you're wrong.
You tell me
Your mind hasn't changed.
I ask you
What you hope to find elsewhere.
You still refuse
To talk about it.

Saturday, December 4

just pretending

There's a party tonight
We'll pretend we're alright
We'll pretend to our friends
That there isn't a fight
We'll pretend to be happy
Pretend to have fun
And pretend it was lovely
To see everyone

one week on

This time last week
It all seemed to be fine.
We were planning our Christmas,
A beach holiday
And who we'd have over
At Hogmanay.
There was no warning sign.
I was yours, you were mine.

The very next day
I was right off the chart.
I can't make you happy
We had to break up,
There was no backing down
'cos your mind was made up.
Our future was ended
And this was the start
Of the week where my world
Just crumbled apart.

not stopped popping

I'm living the life
Of the saddos and singles
I'm sitting in front of the telly
With Pringles.
And if I'm not careful,
Some evening real soon
You'll find me, Ben & Jerry,
A couch and a spoon.

Friday, December 3

cancelled order

I remembered today
That I'd ordered some slinky lingerie.
But there's no point in giving her
Such a titbit
If I don't get to see her
Out of it.

frosty

The weather's turned really cold.
When I arose this morning
There was a harsh frost over everything,
Including me.

takeaway

We've hardly spoken
Since the bloody bombshell.
But tonight we're both in the house
And we've agreed to get a takeaway,
so we'll have to spend some time together.
Until my old bedroom
Takes you
Away from me.

taking steps

It would be easy to blame her
But this tango was for two,
And we have four left feet.
Half of which are mine.

friends

You went to your bed
As soon as I got home.
So I spent the evening
With old friends:
My Piano,
My Glenfiddich,
My Powerbook,
And my daughter.
But not all at the same time.

doors

In our separate rooms
You sleep with your door shut,
I sleep with mine open.
Does that say anything
About how we are coping?

Thursday, December 2

child

A child always wants
What it hasn't got.
I'm being childish:
I want you.

contradiction

You weren't with me last night
But tonight you're at home
And being in your company
I feel more alone.
There's a big contradiction
I feel in my heart -
That the closer together,
The further apart.

please tell me

There's something about my marriage
I really want to know
Were her expectations too high?
Or were mine just too low?

the witness

A young couple is smooching
On the Underground.
I can't help but watch
And see
The all-consuming attention,
The hunger they have for each other,
The raw need.
What was missing from you and me.
The guy looks across
And catches my eye.
I turn away awkwardly
Like an unmasked voyeur.

of no value

When you bought my wedding ring
It was destiny.
The jewellers cocked up
And you got it for free.
Not a bad deal, I guess.
But now it's worth less.

at least there's something

No arguments
No raised voices
No aggression
No choices
No future
No 'we'
Just tears
From me

spam

I got spammed today
With an offer
To find my soulmate.
I thought I had.
Once.

Wednesday, December 1

yawn

I want you.
I don't want you.
I want you.
I don't want you.
Oh bugger it!
Get some sleep.

action plan

At this time
No one knows
But you and me.
You've said you
Don't want to
Be seen as a 'we'
And act
Like a couple
In company.
We've agreed
To keep schtoom
For our family
And then
After Christmas
You want to be free.

getting intimate

You complained
That I never
Made love to you enough.
Right now,
It's all I want to do.
To feel your warm flesh.
To nuzzle into your round breasts.
To hold you close and feel you writhe.
I'm trying to remember
The last time.
Because that will be
The last time
Ever.

flames

You're away tonight.
I'm snuggled up
In front of the fire
With a million ghosts.
Meanwhile,
you're getting drunk
With my prime suspect.

going schizo

I asked if you'd found someone else.
You said 'no'.
But I don't believe you.
I find myself reading
Other messages
Into things that you say.
And it all points towards another man.
Either I'm astute or paranoid.
But hopefully paranoid.
Because at least that would mean I'm wrong.

the becoming

The man that I am
Is being sentenced to die
For the love that I fed off
Has all but run dry.
But don't shed your tears
As I grow weak and thin
For a better man's coming
To fill out my skin.

the stranger

Under the same roof,
But living apart,
With a stranger
Who looks
Like my childhood
Sweetheart.

down to business

Tomorrow
You're away overnight
On business.
As in:
What I'm up to
Is my business,
Not yours.

half past midnight

I'm shut out of my own bedroom.
The door is closed.
The light is on.
And I hear you talking quietly.
Gently. Fondly. Relaxed.
Whoever is on the other end of the phone
Has your ear and lips.
Which is a damn sight more
Than I have.

the sit down

We needed to talk.
I'd rehearsed it in my head.
I would be compassionate but firm.
Understanding yet decisive.
A bit like Ben Kingsley in Ghandi.
But I can't act to save my life
And you saw me in all my
Broken,
Moist-eyed,
Gibbering
Glory.
And you told me
You'd run out of tears.

Tuesday, November 30

ooops

You called me.
I said "hello darling"
Like I usually would.
The short pause before you spoke
Said more than words ever could.

keep it to myself

I've got news I want to tell you.
I pick up the phone
And then remember -
You don't want me
To share my life with you
Any longer.

overhung

Fuggy headed,
I'm running in delay time
Just trying to think
In a straight line.
Alcohol's still pumping
At my very core
And I reek of beer
From every pore.
Chocolate, crisps and Lucozade
Will be the cure for sure.
While Polos make me smell
Just like a peppermint liqueur.

Monday, November 29

adrift

The winds buffet me.
They howl in my ears
Masking the sounds
Of my own screams.
My sail, torn,
Flaps around uselessly
And my rudder is pointless
Without a compass and a map.
I'm in uncharted waters.
Scared.
Alone.
And utterly seasick.

betrayal

Writing my feelings down on paper
Feels like a betrayal.
But I'm not sure who I'm betraying:
Her or me.

chirade

Today I took off my wedding ring.
My left hand feels strange.
I miss the tightness,
The weight,
The restriction.
It feels wrong.
So I put it back on
To play the chirade
A little
Longer.

name calling

I noticed on the phone today
The things I can no longer say:

My darling, dear, my sexy bum,
My beautiful, my yummy mum,
My princess, babe, love of my life,
My sweetie pie, my lamb, my wife.

emotional radar

As if you knew,
You woke at two,
Too scared to sleep alone.
I came and kept you company
From sleeping on my own.
You held me tight,
I kissed your head,
We hugged inside your little bed
And talked of dreams and fairytales
And laughed at things each other said.
We couldn't sleep.
In our embrace
I watched you staring into space
Until your dreams gave you release
And I lay there so far from peace.

Sunday, November 28

loss

When I think of what we've lost
It's not what's gone behind us.
It's the future happy family
In which we'll never find us.

sunk

Scuppered by my first mate
We run aground.
On the rocks
And sinking fast
I grapple for the lifeboats.
You insist on travelling in a different one.
I see us sailing into the sunset
Separately.

D day

This is when it all started. I was told my marriage was over. It was decided. I didn't have a choice. Now go ahead and have a rummage through my emotions.