The Breakup Blog

wash and bed

2005-04-28T22:36:00.000+01:00

She's found the best way
To rest the troubles
In her head.
To wash them down in gin
And then take them off
To bed.

his problem

2005-04-28T22:29:00.000+01:00

"Have you told your man
About all of this?"
"It's not his problem."
"I'm afraid that it is!"

The tears

2005-04-28T22:26:00.000+01:00

I only phoned
To say goodnight
To my little friend.
But something wasn't right
And I had to pretend
That her mother's tears
Mattered to me.
It's not that I don't care
I just feel that
It's unfair
For me to be
Hit with them
When it's another man's
Problem.
Eventually, I bade
My sweet angel goodnight
But I'm not rushing back
To that venomous spite.

c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

2005-04-26T22:24:00.000+01:00

She's applying for jobs
And she's trying so hard
And I know that it's tough.
But for me, I can't be
All alone on my own
Quite quickly enough.

A bit of me

2005-04-26T22:22:00.000+01:00

I've put up with the pain
Of this ball and chain
But I'm tired of waiting.

To get us apart
I might need to start
Amputating.

empty home

2005-04-12T21:49:00.000+01:00

No lights, no sounds,
No smells from the kitchen,
No laughter, no chatter,
No television.
Just silence and darkness
As welcome for me
And my own dark shadow
For company

hard work

2005-04-12T21:48:00.000+01:00

I was disappointed
I couldn't keep working
Past seven
Compared to my home
My work-desk feels
Like heaven

together alone

2005-04-12T09:46:00.000+01:00

The wee one's away
For a few days
To see her grandfolks
So it's just she
And me
By ourselves
In the shell
That used to be
Our home
And together
Alone
We're keeping out
Of each other's way
Because without our
Precious girl
We don't have much
To say

slipping

2005-04-11T09:38:00.000+01:00

When we're in the house together
She finds it hard to cope
She starts drinking
To stop thinking
And slides that slippery slope

senseless

2005-04-10T00:36:00.000+01:00

Looking for some paper to scribble on
I nipped to my old bedside drawer
And that is when I came upon
Their condoms for their night's amore
And, as usual, these abominations
Left me with virtually no sensation.

rat

2005-04-09T00:35:00.000+01:00

While this cat's away
The rat will play.
I've no doubt he's been
Round to stay.

mutuality

2005-04-06T00:33:00.000+01:00

While we've been away
I've called the little one's mum
Every day
And tonight when I gave her a bell
She said that she missed her girl
And missed me as well.
That feeling isn't mutu-ell.

play mate

2005-04-02T00:30:00.000+01:00

Getting the passports out
I found that hers was not about,
So when I asked where it was
She stopped dead and went red.
I realised I wasn't the only one
Going away on this date;
She's flying to the sun
With her playmate.

making memories

2005-04-02T00:28:00.000+01:00

Paris awaits for
My princess and me
We're away
Seven days
To make memories

making a meal of it

2005-03-28T19:59:00.000+01:00

She thought it would be a good idea
To cook a Sunday lunch
And pour me a beer.
But no sooner had we sat down
Than the tears began to flow
And the sobbing started
And my little one wanted to know
Why mummy was broken hearted.
If she'd departed the table
And let us enjoy the meal
It would have been better
For us all, I feel.
I knew that this would happen,
That some day it would dawn,
That the family times she loved
Were now gone.

toll

2005-03-23T19:51:00.000Z

I don't know what's happening
But I've found that my hands are shaking
But I'm not nervous
Is this the toll it's taking?

animation

2005-03-20T11:20:00.000Z

Mummy and Daddy
Sat her down
And told her
Their arguments
Weren't about her
And they both
Love her so
And they want her
To know
That they're always there
If she wants an ear
To listen.
And from now on
They'll try not to row.
OK.
Can I watch my
Cartoons now?

lies

2005-03-19T11:19:00.000Z

Early in the afternoon
She called to apologise
But that means you have to
Regret it
And I don't think she does
So it's lies

him

2005-03-19T10:44:00.000Z

Nine in the morning
And bleary from booze
I return to my home
And I can't believe who's
Sitting there in my chair
With his breakfast and tea
And politely saying a
'Good morning' to me
As if this is quite normal
And this is alright
For him to appear
When I'm gone for the night

pooper

2005-03-18T21:49:00.000Z

I'm out for a party
To drink and have fun
And all I can think of
Is my little one

the time has come

2005-03-18T21:45:00.000Z

Our little one's teacher knows the score
And, having been through a breakup herself before,
Is keeping an eye on her every day
To check that she's coping OK.
But today I'd to pick up my girl who was sick
And her teacher came out of her class for a quick
Little word to say that my wee one was upset
And that maybe it's better if now we just let
Her find out how her future is going to go
Rather than letting her guess and not know.

I poo

2005-03-17T21:44:00.000Z

We might as well have exchanged a fart
As "I do until death do us part"

I bet

2005-03-17T21:28:00.000Z

Neither of us let on in any way
That it was our tenth anniversary today
And although she would normally forget
She'd have remembered this year, I bet

breaktime

2005-03-14T21:46:00.000Z

Over 300 poems on and
I'm running out of steam.
It seems that everything
I try to write
Is where I've already been.
This isn't the end
No sir! No way!
I'll be back when I've got
Something new to say.

bag of dreams

2005-03-12T21:42:00.000Z

The darkness isn't
As dark as it seems
When you're clutching on
To a big bag of dreams

pantomime

2005-03-10T10:41:00.000Z

I'm working on Saturday
And while I'm away
Her man's coming round
To fill my shoes.
I was asked if that was OK
And after a pause
I decided to say yes
Because I guess
It has to happen at sometime
And I'm ready to move on
With this pantomime.

subsidy

2005-03-09T17:09:00.000Z

I got a call today
To say
That her job will
Come to an end
This week.
Which means she'll depend
On me to provide
For her
For a while.
But I won't be happy
If I ever discover
That I'm subsidising
Her time with her lover.

vibrator

2005-03-08T19:04:00.000Z

There was a vibration in my pocket
Every minute or so.
She was desperate to talk, it
Was disrupting my flow
In the meeting. And at the end
I had to go out
And call her back to contend
With whatever she was calling about.
She had decided to go out with her man
For a date
And I was messing up her plan
By working late.

something wrong

2005-03-07T22:31:00.000Z

There must be something wrong
If fifteen years on
She clearly doesn't know me.
She questioned my honesty
By accusing me of squirrelling away
For a later day
A secret stash
Of cash.
That's not my style,
So choking back bile,
I called her right back
And put her on track.

words schmurds

2005-03-07T21:11:00.000Z

Words just frustrate me
Every bloody day
They simply get in the road
Of what I'm trying to say

in trouble

2005-03-06T21:41:00.000Z

This weekend she was only gone
For one day
Because she had to be back for
Mothering Sunday.
My daughter and I made her
Breakfast in bed
And placed a handmade necklace
Over her head.
My wee one didn't want anything
To burst her bubble
And when I raised my voice
She gave me into trouble.

learning at school

2005-03-05T13:25:00.000Z

Talking with the little one's teacher
I've found out that she understands
That things aren't right
And she's talking to them
And they're listening
And holding her hands

after the rain

2005-03-04T11:23:00.000Z

The skies have turned from grey to blue
The driving rain has passed
The flowers have bloomed in every hue
I know that this can't last

words suck

2005-03-03T09:36:00.000Z

Choosing your words
Is incredibly daunting
When you say what you mean
But they hear what they're wanting

neon

2005-03-03T00:36:00.000Z

I think I'll commission a sign
In red neon
"Don't stir up stuff that
We cannot agree on"

made her cry

2005-03-03T00:34:00.000Z

I made her cry
A little while later
When I told her
Sometimes
I fucking hate her

maybe

2005-03-03T00:33:00.000Z

She refused to accept
That I was upset
About her going.
She said I gave up on her years ago.
Maybe I had
Without knowing.

morning news

2005-03-02T22:56:00.000Z

I never gave permission for her man to meet my girl
But he did
She told me this morning but I haven't got the strength
To be livid

stop it

2005-03-02T21:29:00.000Z

I put my daughter to bed
Read her a story
And tucked her in.
When I got downstairs
I was ready to begin
And say
What I had to say.
But she was aggressive
From the start
And soon raised voices
Heated tempers
And angry words
Took over.
Until I heard
A little voice shout
"Stop it."
The tears stung my eyes.
Letting her hear this
Wasn't wise.

downhill

2005-03-02T21:28:00.000Z

"So what do you want to talk about?"
She snapped with a glare.
And it just went downhill
From there.

taste

2005-03-02T10:57:00.000Z

I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine
And told her we need to talk tonight
I hope she hasn't overdosed on gin
Because I don't want it to become a fight

pactless

2005-03-01T22:54:00.000Z

I'll have to stop holding her
To any of our pacts
And give responsibility to her
For how she acts
Her promises are hollow
And her truth is lacking facts
And it's getting very tiring
Standing firm

wheels

2005-03-01T22:52:00.000Z

She keeps going back on
Our agreed deals.
How can we play fairly if
The goalposts are on wheels?

shitting on my salad

2005-02-28T22:48:00.000Z

I've been looking forward
To going out tomorrow -
My one taste of freedom
In the week.
And then all meek and mild
She defiled my happiness
By asking if it's alright
For her man to
Come round for the night
While I'm away.
I mumbled an 'OK'
Because the only other
Response I've got
Is 'No! It's bloody not!'

three months

2005-02-28T13:16:00.000Z

That's three months now,
A quarter of a year,
And I've managed to shift
To a forward gear.
I've wound down the window
And I'm loosing my load -
Which is now simply debris
That litters the road
And I need to make sure
I don't run out of fuel
And end up just one more
Old broken-down fool.

question time

2005-02-27T13:14:00.000Z

When will mummy be home?
Where has she gone?
Why is she having a sleepover?
Any answer I give would be wrong.

everything

2005-02-26T23:03:00.000Z

I've lit a candle
And I'm writing by
The light of its flame
My little one
Has woken up
And through she came
I've got iTunes on
And Belgian beer
And I've got everything I need
Right here

all I want

2005-02-26T23:00:00.000Z

I'm quite happy with things this way.
She disappears every Saturday
And I've got my little girl for company
And quite simply,
I love her
And she loves me.

mark as read

2005-02-25T13:59:00.000Z

I've had shocks
In my inbox
But this one didn't cure genital spots
It was an email
From her mum and dad
Saying that I am in their thoughts

at least she told me

2005-02-24T11:00:00.000Z

This evening I'm going out
And I'm going to be back late
So her boyfriend's coming over
For a dinner date.

give it away, give it away now

2005-02-23T22:58:00.000Z

She was so busy ranting
She couldn't see her luck
That I was giving what she asked for
And fucking myself up

losers

2005-02-23T22:54:00.000Z

"I just can't win"
She blurted out.
I calmly explained that winning's
Not what this is about.
We're all losers here
And our job is now, sadly,
To do what we can not to
Lose out too badly.

descent

2005-02-23T22:44:00.000Z

It started off well
I made her some dinner
So we could sit down and talk.
And I could see she was
In a bit of a state
As she toyed with her plate
And when I asked her
What she wanted to talk about
She said "I don't know".
And I don't think it's my duty
To drag it out any more.
So I let her stare at the floor.
Then suddenly it spilled and gushed
As she rushed to blame me
For her current state
And with words of hate
I got the blame for limiting her
And causing her distress
And it's my fault
That she's in this mess
And fork in hand
She tore into me
Accusing me of ripping her off.
It went on
And on
And on -
But I let her get it off her chest.
Tonight's little chat
Was as bad as I guessed.

crazy

2005-02-23T22:42:00.000Z

She thinks she's going crazy
I know it sounds bad
But I don't think she's crazy
I think that she's mad

sit down

2005-02-23T22:17:00.000Z

There was a note last night
Waiting for when I got in
Asking me, first of all,
To put out the bin
Then saying that tonight we
Need to sit down and talk.
So I'm preparing myself
For an unpleasant shock.
I'm getting nervous and losing
My appetite for food -
Whatever the news is
It just won't be good.

pie

2005-02-22T15:31:00.000Z

I've fallen into a category
I've never been in before -
I've just been called an
Eligible batchelor.
Which suggests to my mind
That demand could be high
But I reckon I'll find
That's just pie in the sky.

again and again

2005-02-22T15:21:00.000Z

I met a friend for lunch today
To sup a glass of ale
And as I knew would happen
I was forced to tell my tale.
Recounting from the start I had to
Dig deep through the pain
Which is something that I'll have to do
Again and again and again.

tucked up

2005-02-21T19:35:00.000Z

I feel guilty for shouting at my little one today
All because she wasn't doing things my way
And I won't be able to hold her and kiss her little head
Because when I get in she'll be tucked up in bed

face

2005-02-21T19:33:00.000Z

She's been away
Which has given me
Three day's grace.
I don't want to go home
'Cos I don't know
What I'll face.

growling at my girl

2005-02-21T12:58:00.000Z

I got everything ready before I went to bed
But the alarm went off and we were still making zeds
I was rushed and harassed and she girned and she pouted
And I'm annoyed with myself 'cos I growled and I shouted

toss

2005-02-20T21:55:00.000Z

She called to say she couldn't make it home tonight;
The trains are cancelled and the buses aren't running right.
She apologised to me as if it were some great loss
But I've got my girl
And we're happy
So I couldn't really give a toss.

matter of time

2005-02-19T23:52:00.000Z

I don't know if he meant to
But he revealed a truth about me
That I never realised.
He had me sized up
And showed me where
My relationship had broken down.
His insight hit me
Like a cold trout
As he pointed out
That I'm a dreamer
With my mind on the future,
She's an impulsive whirlwind
Who lives for the moment
And our problems were just
A matter of time.

gone

2005-02-18T22:51:00.000Z

She's gone again.
It's just me and my friend.

regrets?

2005-02-17T23:21:00.000Z

Do I regret asking her out
Fifteen years ago?
Not a bit. But does she?
I think so.

fifteenth anniversary

2005-02-17T23:16:00.000Z

It was fifteen years ago today
That I asked her out
In my red-faced, bumbling way
And nearly cried with utter joy
That she would want me
This geek-faced boy.
We were wedded
Five years on,
Five years more
And our girl was born
Another five
And you find me here
Wondering where I'll be
In another year.

a weak end

2005-02-16T22:31:00.000Z

My daughter must know
That something's going on.
Nearly every weekend now
Her mother is gone.

the split

2005-02-16T22:24:00.000Z

You have the table
I'll have the chairs
You have the apples
I'll have the pears
You have the kettle
I'll have the mug
You have the paintings
I'll have the rug
You have the hi-fi
I the CDs
You have the biscuits
I'll have the cheese
You have the duvet
I'll have the bed
You have the rubber
I'll have the lead
You have a G&T
I'll have the beers
You have my daughter
I'll have the tears

a rethink

2005-02-16T22:15:00.000Z

I've started to work out
Who'll get what when
We go our own ways
And I've discovered
I'm heading for
Difficult days
And I may have to
Rethink my plans
Because I just don't know
If I can
Keep the house on
When she's gone

paranoia

2005-02-15T12:47:00.000Z

How much more meddling
Has been done?
I can't accept this occasion
Was the only one.
Has she been
Rifling through my pockets?
Sifting through my drawers?
Reading all my emails?
Listening outside doors?
Peeking in my wallet?
Checking the bins outside?
She won't find much of interest
'Cos I haven't much to hide.

big D

2005-02-14T22:44:00.000Z

Divorce.
It's been mentioned.
She wants to start it soon.
Our breakup must be
Over its honeymoon.

the very next night

2005-02-14T22:37:00.000Z

I said to my (ex-to-be) wife
That if her man is to be
Part of our daughter's life
She'd have to explain it
To our little girl first.
I'd no idea she might
Start it the very next night.

what I'd give

2005-02-14T22:34:00.000Z

Tonight she told our little one
That she's moving to a different house.
My daughter thinks it's new and fun
And cannot see the pain.
Oh, what I'd give
To be five again.

the invasion

2005-02-14T22:28:00.000Z

I couldn't believe it.
I was only home five minutes
When I found her over my bag
Rummaging in it.
She was flustered
And admitted that
She'd been rumbled
Fumbling about in somewhere
She shouldn't.
And I just couldn't believe
That this was the first time
She'd committed this crime.
She must have said sorry
At least twenty times
But I couldn't say
"It's alright"
But then again,
I couldn't face a fight,
So I rubbed in the guilt
To make sure
She felt shite.

my valentine

2005-02-14T09:23:00.000Z

I got a card this morning
From the most special girl alive
She fills my heart
And consumes my thoughts
Although she's only five

apparent

2005-02-14T09:18:00.000Z

Apparently I'm being awkward
Apparently I'm holding her back
Apparently I'm making her guilty
Apparently I'm giving her flack
So I sat down and talked about it
And listened to all that she said
And she's misunderstood me
So much of the time
It's apparent it's all in her head

specs on legs

2005-02-13T11:07:00.000Z

I've picked up my new eyewear
And this slinky new pair
Of specs
Will hopefully help me exude sex
Appeal.
Although, being real,
They'll only make the world
Look better to me,
They can't change
What others see.

what I said to her:

2005-02-12T10:16:00.000Z

"I'm not being nasty or bitter
I just feel I can't really start
Rebuilding my life
Until you're out the house
And we both are living apart."

resigned to it

2005-02-11T20:13:00.000Z

After weeks of avoiding
Definitive action
I got her to scrawl her name on
Some legal forms
Removing her
From my business.
Now I just have to
Remove myself from
Her company.

large measures

2005-02-11T12:19:00.000Z

Her gin was too strong
Which is where she went wrong,
Her hammer went at it
But I had no tongs.
Her tears tumbled down
While I cooly stood by
And repeated her words
'I've no more tears left to cry'.
The fire's gone out of our fight
And I'm glad
For the fire's gone out
In the love that I had
And she's no longer mine
And I'm wholly my own
And I just want her gone now
To leave me alone.

unavoidable commuter

2005-02-10T22:06:00.000Z

I must thank my pen, pad,
Laptop and beers
Cos I've done in two months
What he's not in two years

ooh, I say!

2005-02-10T22:04:00.000Z

Hooray!
Today she's away,
So I'm feeling gay!
(No, not in that way.)

Smiles

2005-02-09T23:48:00.000Z

I don't get out much
Why is why tonight was such
A breath of fresh air.
I met with a friend
That I've virtually known
To talk and to spend
Some real time alone
And I've had such a
Lovely night
I can't stop smiling
As I write.

cake

2005-02-08T22:20:00.000Z

I expect she'll lay it on like syrup
Trying to sweeten me up
But there's only so much sugar I can take
While she tries to have and eat her cake

hard work

2005-02-08T22:10:00.000Z

She told me today that her job
May be coming to an end
So I expect she'll need to depend
On my support for her hobnobs
With the new man in her life.
That leaves a pretty bad taste
That my money is going to waste
On a woman who's no longer my wife.
She'll need to pick up some work fast
Because I don't know how long
My patience can last.

blues boy

2005-02-07T11:12:00.000Z

Muddy Waters and Howling Wolf
Are jamming out on my iPod
And it feels like heaven
Has a God
Who's smiling down on me.
A hazy sunrise
And cloudless skies
Makes the world a beautiful place
And not a trace of misery
Is left in my mind.
I'm sure I'll find more
Happiness this week
That warms me down to my bones
Because I want these blues
To stay in my headphones.

bad vibrations

2005-02-07T10:09:00.000Z

I got a phone call shortly after
I went out the door
berating me for something
I wasn't responsible for.
But I don't have to take that
Kind of shit any more,
So I just put the phone down.

unnecessary

2005-02-06T23:06:00.000Z

Most nights my daughter
Stumbles through to my bed
To cuddle in and
Lay down her head.
And I just don't like
To take her back through
Because I'm far too tired
(And I like her cuddles too).
And my wife says
"Why doesn't she come through to me?"
But I think an answer
Is unnecessary.

2 hours

2005-02-06T20:58:00.000Z

She arrived back
Two hours later than she'd said.
I was only bothered
Because it was time for
Our daughter's bed
And she hadn't had the chance
To spend much time
With her mum this weekend.
Our girl can't depend
On her mum to be there
Who would rather spend time
On her new affair
(To be honest,
I think I'm being
Rather unfair)

me and my girl again

2005-02-05T22:11:00.000Z

Her mum's away
So it's pizza, popcorn
And the film of Pinnochio.
Spending this time
With my little girl
Means I can't wait
For the next time
Her mum decides to go.

trains and boats

2005-02-04T08:40:00.000Z

I've just avoided a
Fellow train commuter
On the excuse that I had to
Use my computer
Because each time we talk
I get lengthy narration
Of the hurt of his own
Bitter separation.
He's a pain on the train
But he'll get on my goat
If he thinks we'll be pals
'Cause we're in the same boat.

averted

2005-02-03T11:37:00.000Z

She still walks around in the nip
Like the old days
But like a stranger and a gentleman
I avert my gaze

sleep tight

2005-02-02T13:10:00.000Z

"That's me, I'm off.
Good night. Sleep tight."
"But why so soon?
Are you alright?"
"I'm going to watch
A film in bed."
"Can I cuddle in?"
She said.
My reply was clear
And slow:
"Oh no. I really don't
Think so."

no, no, no

2005-02-01T19:27:00.000Z

No arguments, no tension,
No unpleasantness to mention,
No more hatred, no bad feeling,
No more shocks to send me reeling,
There's no tangle of emotions,
And no bitter tear-filled oceans,
Not a swear word, not a shout,
Not much left to write about.

I'll do, I suppose

2005-01-31T23:35:00.000Z

She called today
With nothing much to say -
Just a 'how's your day going?'
Kinda thing.
And then I remembered her
Boyfriend's away
So his phone can't be working
Where he's holidaying.

cushion

2005-01-31T23:32:00.000Z

For the first time in two months
We watched the TV together
Sat beside each other
On the settee.
I didn't feel uncomfortable
Although a cushion at my back
Would have suited me.

zeds

2005-01-31T22:38:00.000Z

Lying so peacefully tucked up in bed
I kissed my young daughter all over her head
"I love you, I love you, I love you," I said
But this cannot last and that fills me with dread

is it because

2005-01-30T08:31:00.000Z

She was being far too affectionate
(Is it because her man went on holiday yesterday?)
But fortunately some friends came round
So I had an excuse to drive her away.

entertainers

2005-01-30T08:27:00.000Z

We had a party
For my little girl's birthday
Where the entertainment
Was my wife and I
Pretending there's no problems
To the other parents.
Needless to say
The entertainers were hopeless
But the kids enjoyed themselves regardless.

I'm spartacus

2005-01-29T16:16:00.000Z

Like Kirk Douglas and Jean Simmons
In Spartacus,
One day I'll be half of
Another us -
And I hope, above all,
To the heavens above
I'll again feel that tender excitement
Of love.

rudolph

2005-01-28T21:19:00.000Z

I thought I'd grow out of acne
When I was a teen.
But no such luck.
I looked in the mirror
And where the end of my nose
Should have been
Was a spot that could be seen
From the International Space Station.
To curb its inflation
I popped it on a tissue.
Now a nose like Rudolph's
Is my embarrassing issue.